I think I am going to ramble a little today.
Am a scatterbrain because my anxiety and my depression are on the high and rising. One symptom of both is when I have trouble concentrating. I felt it coming for weeks and had warned my department manager that I have to be careful how much I work.
Also took care to drink my St. Johnswort tea and write diary. Also, speak to the best husband (Jeremy Clarkson voice) in the world. But sometimes it’s just not enough no matter what I do.
So, it is rather hard for me to write about today’s prompt “Fondness”.
Right now I can’t be fond of anything. Or more I am fond of my fears, anger and of darkness in general.
However, if you’d meet me you would probably not realise how it looks inside. I smile, do small talk, make sure I keep on top of the daily chores and write, write, write and write.
Writing has always been my saviour. Diary, poetry, stories, articles, blog posts, letters…… just write. You can say, I am terribly fond of writing. I am also fond of reading. That is the other saviour.
I suspect my mental health problems started after my mother passed away and I was a teenager. Of course, in Germany in the eighties, depression was for rich people who could afford a therapist. Normal people just got on with it. I went to the library and got any book I could get hold of. Reading is such a good thing to keep your mind of stuff but also to show you that there is a way out of crap.
Some of the people I read about were Gladys Aylward and Hudson Taylor. Both British evangelical missionaries to China. I was part of a German Protestant church and even though I always had my own theories about faith and Christianity and I often questioned the dogma I was preached their faith helped me to not give up. I even was fond of the idea to become a missionary. Not to China though but to India. Never got there though.
However, lately, I have been wondering why there has always been that glimmer of hope in my life no matter how bad I felt. I suspect it has something to do with what I read in those days. Gladys Aylward managed literally against all odds to get to China and do work that was worth it. She impressed me deeply. And no matter how wrong her biographies and films about her life might be that trait of her to go for her dream and calling no matter what stood in her way seems to have rubbed off on me.
That black dog and darkness inside of me try to take over on a regular basis. I have become accustomed to it and mostly neither can get me. But there are times when, no matter what I do, they take over and I have to hide away and gather the seeds and broken pieces of hope, love and creativity and become strong again. But I never come to that last bit where I give up the precious life I have been given. Looks like there is still something I need to do before my time is up.
But there is also always that one belief inside of me: No matter how dark it looks: It will get better!
And I am particularly fond of that belief!
This post takes part in “Love Is In Da Blog 2018″ and answers prompt 7
Fellow Bloggers who wrote about Gladys Aylward:
Heidi Hess Saxton: Gladys Aylward: A Heart for China
Kathy’s Cottage: Classic Friday Movie